First of all thanks to some wonderful friends who saw my post and sent me a great note. I did not think that anyone actually read any of this. Pity Party was over by the morning & I am feeling good.
On another note. I am getting so psyched to start to train again. I see the light at the end of the Marathon, though I am coaching almost 2 times as much I think that I will have Sunday's for long runs and Wednesday for Medium Long runs. I need a goal.
First commit to the training:
working toward -
Monday - 30 minutes
Tuesday - 60 minutes
Wednesday - 10 miles
Thursday - 30 minutes
Friday - 60 minutes
Saturday - off
Sunday - 10 to 14 miles
I might need to build up some but that's the goal to be there by the end of FEB. If I can do that mostly I will begin to race again...I want to!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Late night can not sleep
It early or late depending on the perspective. I can not sleep and yes there is really lots of work to be done but I am really lacking the motivation since my lack of sleepiness is mostly caused by too much work to be done. It's hard to concentrate when overwhelmed but a task list that never seems to end. I guess this is the american way. I am okay with this, 'cause I find it very hard to sit still most of the time. That's why running seems to fit so well into my life. It's harder to find time to fit it in but I still feel the same joy after each run that I felt after the first.
It's also hard to sleep and feel sorry for your self. Self pity is not helpful but sometimes when stress is high & time is limited pity is a little more easy to come by. I allow the joke about "Ruth speak" to go on, as I easily allow parts of my self be ripped away, it settles into my soul and I pretend that ignoring the pain that it causes is unreal. For someone who is finds it hard to admit to herself that her job would be much easier, really almost doable if she were not given this brain. But I set myself up for the exposure weekly, daily especially as life revolves so completely at a computer. I pity my inability to see the flip flopped letters & words on a page. It reads so well in my head, and it sounds so awful to everyone else. And it hurts when you are reminded of how much you really suck: "I am sorry to say this but I know I am not the only one who has thought this all through the program...PLEASE CHECK YOUR SPELLING AND TYPOS! "
As Amy says you have 24 hours of pity allowed. I will give myself till morning and march back to the computer pulling the armor back into place and taking a stab at the next days work. Promising myself to get ahead of the pile and beg someone to read over my email, my newsletters, my essays, my work. It's what I do. I can not believe I ended up do the one thing I really, really don't do well. Kind of strange to think back to all the people who have said that my brain was screwed up and not to attempt the most menial of tasks. I should be proud of the accomplishments, but it still hurts. What do you say back to comments. It is hard to know what to say because there is no excuse for bad work, poor spelling, typos. I am not saying I am stupid. As a matter of fact I know that my IQ is actually higher than most. But that is not helpful. It's as help as my V02 being higher than most, that's not true. It's the perception of stupidity, or of just not caring enough to check. What to do, I don't know. But my energy is low, and it just feels bad to know you suck at something and that you are told weekly you suck. Maybe not in those words but it comes across that way.
It's also hard to sleep and feel sorry for your self. Self pity is not helpful but sometimes when stress is high & time is limited pity is a little more easy to come by. I allow the joke about "Ruth speak" to go on, as I easily allow parts of my self be ripped away, it settles into my soul and I pretend that ignoring the pain that it causes is unreal. For someone who is finds it hard to admit to herself that her job would be much easier, really almost doable if she were not given this brain. But I set myself up for the exposure weekly, daily especially as life revolves so completely at a computer. I pity my inability to see the flip flopped letters & words on a page. It reads so well in my head, and it sounds so awful to everyone else. And it hurts when you are reminded of how much you really suck: "I am sorry to say this but I know I am not the only one who has thought this all through the program...PLEASE CHECK YOUR SPELLING AND TYPOS! "
As Amy says you have 24 hours of pity allowed. I will give myself till morning and march back to the computer pulling the armor back into place and taking a stab at the next days work. Promising myself to get ahead of the pile and beg someone to read over my email, my newsletters, my essays, my work. It's what I do. I can not believe I ended up do the one thing I really, really don't do well. Kind of strange to think back to all the people who have said that my brain was screwed up and not to attempt the most menial of tasks. I should be proud of the accomplishments, but it still hurts. What do you say back to comments. It is hard to know what to say because there is no excuse for bad work, poor spelling, typos. I am not saying I am stupid. As a matter of fact I know that my IQ is actually higher than most. But that is not helpful. It's as help as my V02 being higher than most, that's not true. It's the perception of stupidity, or of just not caring enough to check. What to do, I don't know. But my energy is low, and it just feels bad to know you suck at something and that you are told weekly you suck. Maybe not in those words but it comes across that way.
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